The first time I had a panic attack
Was when dad came back
After drinking
After mam started to pack
And...
Just like then we were both crying
And I knew that since that day
A part of him started dying

First time I went to therapy
I was 16 not eating
And my parents were scared of me
At that time we were hit by austerity
They were focused on my brother
He was high all the time you see

The silence got louder
But I was screaming in my head
All I wanted to do
Was go to sleep and stay in bed

The last rime I had a panic attack
Was when the love of my life
Told me she wasnt coming back

Just right there
Thay was my full stop
As I downed the vodka
One too many pills
Were popped

Woke up in he AnE
Felt so ashamed
My own sister wouldnt look at me

The nurses looked at me
As if I was as fragile as a pearl
"All this for a boy?" they say

Because mam was too emvbarressed to say
She loved a girl.

Song: Drink to get drunk

We drink to get drunk get strobe light seizure
wake up in the morning with some glandular fever
Shoulda stopped drinking when I lost my vision
now my mouth taste like some bad decisions
What the fuck is on my neck I must be seeing things
and why the hell did I wear heels now my feet stings
My head is feckin pounding and I'm dehydrated
I think I met the fella that I've always hated
         
 (Chorus)
Drink to get drunk, drink to get drunk
Drink to get drunk,drink to get drunk
We drink to get drunk Drink to get drunk
Drink to the, drink to the,drink to the, drink to the..

Fake ID and an Ali bye can do this legally in two years time
probably not as fun  as being under age I'll never grow out of my drinking phase
Dont need no parental guidance I got no car coz I got no license
If you want a little lesson on my drinkin session its all part of being an adolescence.


(Chorus)

Stroll in the door at two in the morning
look form my parents says there is my warning
mams got the wooden spoon all nice a ready
my dads got the gun he's holding it steady

Quick like a bullit out through the front door
look from my dad says I should have worn more
thats the price you have to pay
if you want to live  a life like me.

(Chorus)

stay out all night to see our names in the stars
dancing with the girls and drinking at the bars
teenage years are full of craic
but if I had to rate it out of ten
well lets just say if I was asked
I'd do it all again!


Drink to get drunk! x4

Drink to the!
Drink to the!
Drink to the!
Drink to the.....DRUNK!

I live with only your legacy : Introduction

I'll never forget the day I died.  Define death? When you lose your last breath, when your soul and body split?
My final breath was drawn on a winter afternoon on Patricks street, Cork 1919. The air was cold and unforgiving for those unfortunates that lay in rags begging. I felt sorry for them, every time I saw a homeless person I always stopped, sat down and had a fag with them. My mother once told me if you give them money they run off and spend it on drink, which coincidentally was why they were there in the first place.  So I would sit and have a chat I know if I was in their situation and someone offered me a fag I would be more then delighted. Today I was out of fags and the money in my pocket was to be spent on milk for a cup of tea at home with mam. I spend a lot of my time in her house since John left. The bed was too spacious at home and everything reminded me of him. As I fought my way past the faceless crowds in to O'Mallys shop I was glad of the heat within. Straight to the milk up to the counter a quick in and out job I was in no form for conversation I needed some time to myself my head wasn't right lately.  Something caught my eye in the news stand, those eyes I've seen them before. They were the eyes I've woken up to for the past 3 years, the ones that gave me looks of disapproval when I smoked out the window in the bedroom and the ones that filled with tears the last time I saw them.

Define death?
Because every breath I've breathed since that moment has not been as sweet or as rewarding. Whatever soul was attached to my body had left by the time the title reached my curious gaze.
Death is not painful, for me it is the start of me finding my life again. Finding John.











Let me know what ye think should I carry on writing or is a lost cause?

Flame, stop!
 and notice the blue
  its dangerous like you,
 unrecognised and civilised 
realise she  dances in the dark
 the only time you notice
its more then just a....
mark!
left on your skin
 after you tamper with the flame
you realise what’s within
 who you are,
 what ignites?
 the flames within your soul
 the ones that cement the cracks
that keep you so far from
being whole  

 so show your colours
share the spark!
that's suppressed by flaunting light,
 and remember,
 that one needs the flame
 to find their way  through night....

    

Hope

I've decided to take a twist on what I normally do because I feel this week I've experienced something that not everyone gets to in their lives. I experienced the successful results of hope. I've learned in my life that hope doesn't ever seem to help me, it just makes horrid news prolonged and puts the grief on a pedestal. But this week I've been given the news that my aunt Hilda has the all clear from Cancer, and I knew reading this your just thinking "wow thats great news" and then go on with your day, but You don't understand just how great it is because it's given me a new look on life. She herself has given me a new lease of life and not by being cured but because she had to face cancer head on and chose to say "fuck it I'm not going anywhere"

A little background as to why my aunts so special to me. Last year my life quite literally came to a full stop, I had decided to give up school I had practically said goodbye to those closest to me in want of a better word. I remember in the car with my sister we were driving out to my aunty Mary's house and Pam asked, what can I do? please just tell me and I'll do it" but I just couldn't find a reason to get out of bed any more and I told my sister in three short life defining words that "I give up" we were silent for the rest of the drive and I found my self sitting in my aunt Mary's house having tea and looking out the window to see Hilda driving in I hadn't seen her since my nana was sick and we both minded her. I ran out as soon as I saw her and almost picked her up she was so thin and weak. When we got inside I was expecting to just have a cup of tea laugh and joke talk about school, you know the usual conversations one has with their family, but Hilda took my hand and brought me down to the bottom bedroom and said that when she hugged me she could feel something was wrong that my eyes were different and she could sense it that there was something on my shoulder. I'm known to be an actress so lying and putting on a show is as easy as breathing for me. She. just. knew.  When I tried to brush it off she told me to cut the bullshit to look her in the eyes and for once instead of talking a lot to just say something, I don't know if you understand what I'm saying or not it's hard to explain. I had told her everything, I saw the tears that I had inflicted run down her face as she tried to talk but it was hard for her because she was after an operation on her throat (where the cancer was) she told me that sometimes she doesn't see the point sometimes life isn't fair and people get sad people experience different things and its how we pick ourselves up that define who we are. She looked at me and said "I have Cancer, but you know what else I have? Family,friends and a will power to stubborn to lie down"  We made a promise that day. That when I talk to her I wouldn't call her Hilda I'd call her hazel and vice versa. We would both promise to mind ourselves as if we were to mind the other, respect and love ourselves as much as we do each other, the last thing we promised each other was that when! not if When we both get better we will sit down and have a Chinese (inside joke but the meal was actually going to go ahead) . I left that day, I hugged my mam went on the train home and the next day I met the careers teacher picked a course and went to school almost every day, I'm a few months away from the leaving, I got a phone call the other day to book some reservations. :)

ever once did you have a goal?
waited all your life just to hear no,
ever once did you have a dream
mine was shattered to pieces
ripped at the seems

you can tell me yes
you can tell me no
you can say all the wrong answers
but it's just what you know.
you can say it's wrong
try to show me right,
you can try to fight in my corner
but I'm losing this fight.

help me a drowning in a sea of cold glass
broken shards of the mirror,
 rocks thrown from the ghosts of my past
Help me I'm falling, into the traps of my mind
blinded by reflection
you cant stop me NO.
I'm running out of time.

I look in the mirror and see the only
enemy I need is me
need help with reality
help me to find clarity
so sick of fucking eyes filled
with sincerity


every where I go it's a spot light in my direction,
 I try to dodge it all I want but I've no protection
my armour of secrets have rusted off
 and it's no surprise that I'm living in a game
where there is no prize
 and the people all around me see the cracks I hide
night time, lights off.
 every body fast asleep
but the battle in my minds slowed just for me
I re-trace my steps in my dreams
but there never gonna shield me from the venom that leaks

get up out of bed to hear the floor boards creek
open the door just to run



AWAY.

Sunlight slashes through the dark

while my eyes adjust

sleep has been a faithful friend one in whom I trust

the night time films run its turn and now I face the day
while

                                      black and white nostalgic frames have flickered to a grey

                                   "so why?" I hear you ask, do I lament the lost nights load

                                   well, daytimes damaged curving paths lead me to broken roads

while porcelain glass covers my face and yes, how I loath the social rumour 

I guard the walls with fighting knights who's ammunition's humour

hollowed mind and tired flame rot close to decay,

                                              while I wait with heavy eyes while

                                                sunlight introduces day